Compose Yourself
by Prince-Vermin
Summary: As the new Conductor of Shibuya, Neku's duty is to pick up where Megumi Kitaniji left off. He doesn't mind too much, but there are layers of deceit and secrets standing in his way. Joshua/Neku oneshot


_**Compose Yourself**_

It hurt. He'd known what he was signing up for from the start, sure but… This? This was too cruel, too close to home. He was young, younger than Neku had been during his own Game. A boy who had been hit by a car on his way to meet his friends at Shibuya 104. It could have been _Him_. He wondered often, but couldn't bring himself to ask if _He_ had ended up in the Reaper's Game- and lost. It was likely that he had. Thirteen years old, and he had to Erase him. Rules were rules. The boy who he had partnered with had a better score, and the limit was one this time. He didn't know why, but he was going to find out afterward. Not that it could change anything. The boy wasn't strong enough to choose to be a Reaper or to play again. He had simply fallen to his knees, exhausted and compliant. He just wanted it to be over- and it killed Neku that he knew how that felt.

He raised his hand and felt the city's music flow through him, from his core and up his arm until it burst forth in invisible force. The boy was gone in the blink of an eye, no longer existing here nor there- or anywhere. His partner was in tears and screaming at him: "You _bastard!_ How could you?! What's the point of trusting you partner if they're just going to-" But Neku couldn't take it anymore. With pain in his eyes, he tapped into the song of Shibuya again, and shifted the screaming boy's Vibe until he was in the RG again- out of the Conductor's- his reach.

By now, the Conductor was used to his abilities. They had shocked and fascinated him at first, the way he could feel the city- feel _Joshua_ as though they were one person. Now he often teleported without thinking twice, Erased a rogue Reaper with the flick of a wrist- carried out the whims of the Composer as was his new duty. But Neku was never one to play dead or roll over for anybody- even for Joshua. Especially for Joshua.

When he materialized in the Dead God's Pad, he all but slammed the doors to the Room of Reckoning open, pissed and demanding and- no one was there. That was odd. Yoshiya Kiryu, the Composer, the God of Shibuya almost never left his throne these days. He didn't have to. Neku was with him and there was nothing else worth watching. Nothing else that was worthy of his gaze in his mind.

Furious, the Conductor stormed out of the limitless, cold space and back into the Dead God's Pad, which was more comfortable for him- far less intimidating. He collapsed onto the leather couch, ignoring the curious fish that haunted his footsteps, and screamed into the cushions. He felt like he screamed until it bled, slammed his fists into the soft material until he felt human again for a few short moments; felt pain and misery that he hadn't known since being separated from Joshua for a year- until a warm summer night during a festival when some strange and unexplained twist of fate had allowed them to see each other again for a night. A night that was long enough for Neku to beg for an end to his pitiful life.

"You're not fit to be a Conductor." The voice that came was cold: Dripping with disappointment. It felt like ice had settled in Neku's stomach. He hated it when the beautiful creature that was the Composer- not Joshua- tall and lithe and clothed in white silk- spoke like that. Neku snarled and otherwise ignored him.

"I think that being my Proxy just spoiled you _rotten_, Neku-kun." He sighed theatrically, and the red-head could feel the weight of his Composer as he sat down on the edge of the couch. Despite what had been such harsh words, he was threading his long-nailed fingers through Neku's hair in a comforting gesture.

"Screw you." Neku bit through angry tears.

"Oh Neku, you _knew_ what it would mean when you promised me forever, didn't you? This is the only way I could possibly keep you by my side like this. Is it worth it?" He seemed to ignore the nasty remark.

"…Yes." The Conductor breathed in return. Neither of them would have lived long without the other- that had been what they'd decided almost ten years ago. Neku would have been in his twenties now. Joshua…? Who knew how ancient he really was.

"You realize Neku that… You and I have the potential to last out eternity together?" This made the dejected Conductor lift his head a bit, misty eyes looking at the object of his obsession. His gaze was distant but curious.

"What…?"

"My Composer… Oh he was insane. He was beyond anything you could even imagine. By the time I rose to such a rank as what you are now… My Composer, he begged me for death. I think that he allowed me to kill him, in the end." Joshua hadn't ever told him anything like this. Neku couldn't ever get a straight answer out of him if he asked… So he didn't.

And so the red-head just looked at his lover with a sense of awe in his eyes, wondering what it could possibly be that he was getting at. And Joshua's hands were on him, fingernails trailing down his Proxy's bare arms and over the thin fabric covering his chest.

"But you know… How it drives us mad." The Composer breathed dangerously. "Now you're like me. You know."

"I do. I-" What should he say? What could he say? "Josh, what are you…?"

"It's because I have something in you that he never had in his long un-life. I have you to drown it all in. To smother out the screams of those who suffer. I can blot them out with your cries of pleasure… Your pleas for my affection." And Neku couldn't deny that they were loud and often unbridled. He actually blushed, unable to meet the Composer's eyes.

"And you think that my madness will somehow save you from a descent into that same insanity?" Neku scoffed, turning onto his side and looking at Joshua.

"I'm certain of it, Proxy-kun." He smirked.

"You can't call me that anymore, you know." Neku shot back halfheartedly.

"What? You're not my precious Proxy anymore just because you're Conductor too? You wound me, Neku." He rolled his eyes.

"That boy… He…"

"Screamed at you for the injustice. Hates you for doing your job." Joshua all but crooned.

"It's not fair!" The Conductor bit, rubbing at his eyes.

"It's not. And guess what? You won't get used to it. You won't adapt to it. It won't ever stop hurting. That's why they go crazy. And that's why we'll be immortal." And Joshua grabbed a handful of Neku's hair, forcing him into a bruising kiss that stole the air from his lungs. The Conductor broke away, an angry noise on his lips.

"That kid- do you think that taking away his new friend will make him stronger?!" Neku shouted, and he found himself vaguely shoving at the Composer's shoulders in vain.

"Well, that _is_ the point of the Game, after all." Joshua's response was clipped and sarcastic.

"You're wrong, asshole." Neku growled through his tears. "Do you know why I was that way?! Do you know why I hated everything?!" Suddenly, The god of Shibuya went rigid. "Do you know why I shut everything out, Josh? Do you?!" Joshua did what he was best at and didn't answer the question. Neku continued heatedly. "Do you know why I was watching you Neku? Wait, no, I'll tell you after you finish your _whining_."

Joshua glared pointedly and a thin hand shot out, wrenching a handful of copper hair.

"Because my friend died. The only person I had who I trusted. The only person who believed in me." Neku bemoaned miserably.

"Is that _right_?" And the Composer stood, tugging on the red-head's hair to force him into a standing position. "Come on now, Neku-kun. We need to take a walk." And they did.

As he stepped forward, the Dead God's Pad faded in favor of Udagawa. Joshua's hand left the sobbing Conductor's hair and wrapped slender fingers gently around his wrist as they approached the mural.

"Did you know that I knew Mr. Hanekoma as a child?"

"You were a child?" Neku asked, his voice disbelieving.

"I was. I was a good child who wanted to make friends and spread goodness between people. I'd seen this boy in my class getting bullied, and he didn't deserve it. In fact, he was one of the brightest and sweetest Souls I'd ever met in my own young life. Now… Neku. Think about it. Can you tell me anything about your friend? What was his name?" Joshua asked. He didn't look at his partner, his Proxy- his Conductor. Pale amethyst eyes were locked on the mural.

"Of course I can! His name was-" He couldn't remember. No matter how he wracked his brain, there was no name and no face in his memory. Neku felt like he was going to panic.

"But you remember how Yoshi-chan died, don't you?" Joshua stepped forward, his fingertips on the mural. "How your one and only kindred spirit went out of his way to meet you in that dangerous part of the city when you'd discovered a new piece of CAT's work. This one. It had gone up overnight and you were ecstatic. Yoshi was too. He wanted to see it with you."

And that was bringing together all of the other things… Missing pieces. Joshua wasn't like his friend and yet… the Composer was. The Composer carried all of the qualities that he had loved and adored in his young friend- his equal, his rival, his kindred spirit.

"Yoshi…Yoshiya…" It had never occurred to him that the popular boy's nickname would be short for something else. "Why. Why can't I remember you?!" Neku turned, staring into the Composer's face as though he were looking at him for the first time.

"Because I was the boy who was being groomed by an Angel to be the perfect Composer. He was so certain that one with a Soul like mine wouldn't go mad like the last one. So certain that I would be the god that this city needed."

"You… no. No. That's too cruel." Joshua stared back at him, but it was as though he couldn't see him- as though he was looking right through him.

"After it was over, I wondered why he hadn't chosen you instead, why he'd entered my life and stole me away from parents and classmates who adored me. Our souls were the same I was just the lucky- or unlucky- one. Do you know how he decided?" Joshua asked quietly.

Neku shook his head, not wanting to hear anymore.

"Sanae has always been a gambler at heart. He flipped a coin. I was heads, you were tails."

"Stop…" He whimpered. And for once, Joshua nodded and smoothed his Conductor's hair back from his forehead- relenting for his sake.

"You were… Him. You were the one who… And you remembered the whole time? Why did you wait so long to tell me?"

"Neku, it's like… My living life was a dream I saw through dim eyes. You've begun to feel it too, right?" And Neku had, that being human was a dim dream had on a restless night. That his friends were things he imagined, and his family was something that he had forgotten and couldn't remember. That his beloved friend- the one lost to him in his childhood years- had a face and a name.

"Even my parents forgot about me. They're like you, you know. They remember that they had this brilliant, good little boy but… He's gone now. They're still alive. Living on confused and lost. Like yours. Only yours despair because of the way you exited this world." Neku jerked away from the Composer again, and it hurt so deeply that he wanted to curl up and cry again but he couldn't.

"Take me back. Let's go back. Back to the Pad, okay?" Joshua sighed; an exasperated sound, and wrapped his arms around his Proxy's shoulders before teleporting them both back to where they had been. Joshua let Neku wander over to the couch, and he collapsed, his head in his hands.

"You killed me…""Maybe I missed you."

And Neku whimpered. Some things made more sense. Other things… Didn't.

"Yoshiya. Yoshi-chan."

"Mmm-hm. I'm here." And it seemed like all of the pain and suffering he'd put himself through was suddenly a moot point and as Joshua slipped onto the couch next to him and cradled the sobbing Conductor against his chest, Neku spoke again.

"Josh…I'm sorry. I'm the one who called you out that day…"

He shook his head. "No, no…They would have taken me that day even if I hadn't been out. It was my time, and the Angels wanted me. I'm actually surprised that I didn't get Erased for taking you as my Conductor like this. It's unheard of."

"I'm glad you did. I'm…I forgive you. Thank you. You _saved_ me." And it was Joshua's turn to be overwhelmed. Here- with his Conductor; the only soul in the UG that he could share with- there was none of his usual mask. It was unnecessary between them now.

"Neku-kun, I'm sorry." There was nothing left between them to be forgiven then, and somehow…Neku felt lighter. He leaned against the Composer and sighed. It didn't make it any better. Erasing people made him miserable but… It was the balance of things, and Joshua obviously knew what he was doing. Above and beyond it all, he trusted him. And that was enough.


End file.
